Manhattan Schist

POTATO CHIP THIEF!

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 04:09:38 GMT

Omg, this has to be a Will Forte skit... this whole skit was just so randomly absurd and weird, it can't not be him! Well, whoever it was, it was the funniest thing on SNL in sooo long. I especially like how Jason Sudeikis is dressed like a cross between Colonel Sanders and Orville Redenbacher.

Epic joke

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 06:18:50 GMT

There was a period in my life where I read basically every joke (and their different variations) on the Internet. I really have no idea why I did such an inane thing, but that means that 99% of the time, you can't tell me a joke I haven't heard before. You'll have to impress me in another way, loser.

With that said, here's a recreation of one of the first jokes I ever read that turned me into some weird little joke-reading robot:

(May be tl;dr.)

Heaven was really busy one day, so St. Peter decided that he would only let in one third of the people for the day. He decided that whoever had the worst deaths would be able to get in first.

He went up to the first person and asked how he died.

"Well, I had suspected that my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early to try to catch her in the act. When I opened the door, I heard the shower running, so I checked around the apartment to see if I could find the other guy. I went into my bedroom to see the fucker trying to climb down the balcony! So I tried pushing him off, but he held on! I grabbed a hammer to try to crush his fingers and he finally let go, but he landed in the bushes, alive! So I pushed my refrigerator out the window and it crushed him to death, but then I felt so guilty about what I did that I shot myself."

St. Peter nodded sympathetically and moved onto the second person and asked how he died.

"I had just bought a new exercise tape, so I was trying the moves out on my balcony. Somehow, I lost my balance and fell over, but I managed to hold on to the balcony railing below mine. All of a sudden, some crazy guy comes out of nowhere and starts screaming and trying to push me off!! I fought back as hard as I could to hold to on, but he came out with a hammer and crushed all the bones in my fingers. Luckily, I fell in some bushes, alive, but then something big like a refrigerator came over me and now I'm here."

St. Peter nodded sympathetically and moved onto the third person and asked how he died.

"Imagine this: you're naked, in a refrigerator..."

P. S.
A bus full of nuns crashed and they promptly went up to Heaven. St. Peter went to the first nun and asked if she had ever touched a man's penis.

"Yes, but only with the tip of my finger."

"Dip that finger in that font of Holy Water and say one Hail Mary."

She did so, and St. Peter went to the second nun and asked if she had ever touched a man's penis.

"Yes, but only with my hand."

"Dip that hand in that font of Holy Water and say three Hail Mary's."

She did so, and St. Peter went to the third nun and asked if she had ever touched a man's penis, but before she could answer, the fourth nun pushed her out of the way and yelled, "I"m not gargling in that crap after she dunks her ass in!"

OTP

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 05:40:01 GMT

Geh.

Reminds me why I love LxV. Season 3, not so much.

Fuck you, Piz.

AWESOMESAUCE

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 04:03:28 GMT

Everything about this is so awesome... the music, the accuracy, his voice -- <333333333

It's trying to say I'm boring

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:46:04 GMT

I am the sonnet, never quickly thrilled;
Not prone to overstated gushing praise
Nor yet to seething rants and anger, filled
With overstretched opinions to rephrase;
But on the other hand, not fond of fools,
And thus, not fond of people, on the whole;
And holding to the sound and useful rules,
Not those that seek unjustified control.
I'm balanced, measured, sensible (at least,
I think I am, and usually I'm right);
And when more ostentatious types have ceased,
I'm still around, and doing, still, alright.
In short, I'm calm and rational and stable -
Or, well, I am, as much as I am able.

What Poetry Form Are You?

(If you were not a Sonnet you would be Heroic Couplets.)

I am heroic couplets; most precise
And fond of order. Planned and structured. Nice.
I know, of course, just what I want; I know,
As well, what I will do to make it so.
This doesn't mean that I attempt to shun
Excitement, entertainment, pleasure, fun;
But they must keep their place, like all the rest;
They might be good, but ordered life is best.

What Poetry Form Are You?

Will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way?

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:08:13 GMT

Okay, this video is made of WIN *AND* AWESOMESAUCE. IT IS WINSOMESAUCE.

I'm all about el Día de los muertos

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 20:06:43 GMT

I was on the train and the announcement came that it would run over a different line because of problems at the next station. Almost immediately a bunch of people pulled out their iPhones and opened their NYC subway app or whatever the hell it is they do, anxiously stretching and pulling the map to find an appropriate transfer point until they did, and looked relaxed again.

Me, I used my brain. I guess most people haven't memorized the subway map. (Or haven't had nearly fifteen years to do so.)

Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 03:18:43 GMT

I received a special Columbus Day offer in my e-mail. Suffice it to say, it could've worked a bit better with a few additional words. So, I decided to take out some words for my enjoyment. Woot, Columbus Day enjoyment!

Want to redeem in-store instead?

It's kind of amazing how little I changed (excepting the photo), all in Paint, to convey the hobo giveaway, which is absurd. We all know hobos don't even stay in one place, so what's the point of getting a free one anyway?

(The original e-mail, with link to original coupon, to compare.)

BLAH BLAH BLAH

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 06:16:40 GMT

RE: this entry.

Here it is.

Edit: And it's got me wondering... why that photo? I would've picked the stuffed dragon photo over the stuffed elephants photo. Although maybe they didn't want the photo whose description had a link to a review of dragon porn.

Dick

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 20:37:43 GMT

Man, I feel kinda bad about David Starzyk. Every time I see him, I yell out (quietly), "BIG DICK!" He was also Brian Porter on Lost, but the name's not as catchy.

So he's on Prison Break: Brokener*, apparently. Going back to watch.

*It's actually Final Break, but potato, potato.

CaryGrantCaryGrantCaryGrant

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 02:46:09 GMT

Cary Grant

Lol...

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 02:56:41 GMT

Lol, my photo's been "short-listed for inclusion in the eighth edition of [the] Schmap New York Guide." I don't know why it makes me giggle. Also, they spelt FAO Schwarz wrong. I am angry on behalf of FAO Schwarz!

Also, as I was uploading the above pic:

Haha wtf and wtf are you feeding your kids?

The machines send a message to the company and they celebrate good times every time they make a sale

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 16:52:08 GMT

Are self-checkout machines intuitively simple to figure out? Hover the barcode over the laser beams and when it beeps, place the now-scanned item on the bagging area (which, I’m guessing, doubles as a scale). Easy, no?

I saw a woman scan a notebook and then held onto it. The machine told her to place the item in the bag, so she put it in her own bag. Obviously, the machine wouldn’t let her scan anymore items and kept telling her to put the item in the bag. She was confused, and alternated between grabbing for the scanned item and scanning her new items. Finally, the machine gave up and told her assistance was on the way. The employee, as far as I could tell (from the motions and scant words I could hear from where I stood in the checkout line), explained to her that she shouldn't remove the items from the platform.

Admittedly, the very first time I used these machines, I took a full bag off the platform to make some room for a new bag. However, the machine went nuts and said, “OMG PUT THE ITEMS IN THE BAG YOU ARE A THIEF!!” I put them back quickly and it resumed normal function. I quickly surmised these machines must be weighing the items after the scanning to deter theft. Genius! Unlike some humans…

Maybe she had a brain fart because she's an anxious technophobe who was fearfully shaking in her boots in her encounter with a seemingly autonomous machine? RISE, MACHINES!!!! ATTACK!!!!!!!

Oh and there’s actually a Wiki page on self checkout, and it just confirmed my beliefs (about the bag area doubling as a scale). Huzzah for confirmation!

lol WAT

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 00:55:48 GMT

Shut up

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 17:17:26 GMT

I hate questions like these... it's one thing to call a guilty pleasure a guilty pleasure, why add the statement, "What do you do but don't tell anyone you do?" Any question/meme that asks you to reveal something you've never revealed before riles me up because IF YOU DIDN'T REVEAL IT BEFORE, WHY NOW?? Sure, you're protected by the "anonymity" of the internet, but who is going to choose to admit something they chose not to admit before purely because the internet told them to? (Sadly, I think many.)

And how does a guilty pleasure TV show warrant secrecy? My guilty pleasure show is Gossip Girl, ZOMG but I've told a bunch of people I watch it, what should I pick now?????

Simpsons 12th season DVD set

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 23:11:48 GMT

Why are the DVD season sets of The Simpsons getting progressively more difficult to actually open... you think the Simpson heads were difficult and convoluted, well, at least you could get them open. I just got the 12th season set with the Comic Book Guy's stupid 3-D mug and it WON'T EVEN COME OUT.

Okay, it's out now, but still, what kind of product makes it so difficult for the customer to actually get TO the product? Did they have to make CBG face that projected, taking up all the possible free space in the plastic sleeve? BTW, COMIC BOOK GUY?? This guy didn't even have a NAME until like last year. He's a funny character and all, but COME ON. I could think of a bunch of other supporting characters who are much more deserving of the 12th season cover. (Maybe 20th but 12th??)

And what's all this business with the heads, anyway? I like the first five seasons' box sets just fine, then they had to showcase the heads and faces. Uggggggggggggh whatever.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 01:57:40 GMT

What a stupid thing to mull over... the regular Lost S5 set or the Lost S5 Dharma Initiation Kit? Originally I thought, "But it won't match my other seasons!" But this had to show up again and it just looks so awesome... but there will probably be a complete series set after it's all done, in even MORE awesome packaging, once again making me and my individual-season collecting self (yes, two different people) look like the puny little girly-men we are destined to be.

Ethan Rom is alive!

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 00:34:47 GMT

Okay... I'm 99% sure I saw William Mapother on the R train today. He got on with a female companion like around Lawrence St or Dekalb station, through the door that was right in front of me. The very first thing I thought was, "Oh hey, that looks like William Mapother." So I tried to check him out again after he sat down and this time he really looked like William Mapother; he has a very distinctive face and it just looked too much like him to be a lookalike.

He got off at Whitehall just like me; it kinda looked like I was stalking him since he surged ahead with his friend/accomplice/whoever, and I kept looking at him to see if there was any defect in him that proved it wasn't William Mapother.

So we all ended up in the Staten Island Ferry terminal because my group and I had to pee and they apparently wanted to check out the produce they've set up there (weirdest location for Farmers' Market I've seen so far), oh and probably take the ferry. As I was walking by I finally heard his voice and then I thought, "Oh wow, that really does sound like him, doesn't it?"

Sooo celebrities I've seen/met in an unplanned setting (not concert, autograph signing, etc.):
- Celine Dion (she was leaving her hotel)
- Don Philip (okay I met him at an autograph signing, but I didn't plan to go to it!)
- Reba McEntire (she was leaving her hotel, too)
- William Mapother (subway)

Which one of these is not like the other?

BTW, I was going to the Governors Island ferry, to take advantage of the free hour of bike rental they offer, just like everyone else on that boat, apparently. I'M ON A BOAT MUTHAFUCKA DON'T YOU EVER FORGET.

...

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 19:00:51 GMT

This is not a shirt, this is an internet meme. It was so "popular" they pulled it from scoring before the requisite 7 days was up so they could print it. Whatever.

(Although, kudos to Threadless for the brilliant business move! Very savvy.)

'Clash of the Titans' scared the shiznit out of me...

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 03:16:36 GMT

...when I was a child.</p>

I must have been about eight or nine? And it wasn't Harry Hamlin that scared me. It was Medusa! Freaked me the fuck out!

We were first learning about Greek mythology in school, and I totally thought it was all real, before Christianity set me on the monotheistic path (huhWHUT???). So it so happened that Clash of the Titans was showing on television around that time and there I was watching the movie home alone with only my blanket to hold onto and suddenly it seems like Medusa comes crawling out like an animatronic slug with glowing yellow eyes and hair worse than mine. I squeezed my eyes shut and hoped simply watching Medusa on TV wouldn't turn me to stone!

When I saw the movie again in my teens, I was like, "Wow, what was I so scared of?? Also, that owl's fucking annoying."

Uh-oh?

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 05:42:39 GMT

Oh my, did I conduct a faux pas? I didn't recognize a congresswoman. Well, to be fair, she's not my congresswoman. Apart from my congresswoman, and a few other names within NY, I can't be expected to know all 435 U.S. Representatives, can I? CAN I?

I didn't find out until after I met her and she had left. Other than her well-done makeup, she was unassuming and dressed non-representatively. Although the Great Seal of the U.S.-emblazoned folder should've gave it away...

Also great seals

Hehe, Weiner.

How is it "almost" paradise? Isn't it just regular dise?

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 05:26:08 GMT

I don't know why I'm so hung up on T-Max, they're not all that special. (Actually, their voices are hell of good, but otherwise, meh.) Uhmmmmm probably because Kim Joon/Prince Song is a smokin' babe.

Anyway, I found a video that FURTHER illustrates his (I don't even know their names... one of them is Minchul and the other is Yunhwa I think) zombie jik mut yun-ness from the previous entry. Why am I so hung up on that?

Here are the video again just to put them all in one place, which is probably only beneficial to me.

The original Paradise, in all his awkward zombie glory.

The song is the same, but they have random guys dancing all around now, with the singers doing the occasional arm extension and twirl, and some heavy-duty walking.

The final stage; he can be a not-robot in public now.

UN!COMFORTABLE!

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 02:57:31 GMT

Oh boy. I'd already posted the first one, cyber-laughing at their clearly distinctive performances. I checked out the second video because zomg, Kim Joon finally performing WITH his group (but it's not Paradise :C) and it's major lulz again. Look at the difference between the two:

Or check out the diluted performances in screencaps, which each really speaks a thousand words:

Before

After
I think management figured they shouldn't unleash the dude as a zombie jik mut yun in public, so they gave them some choreography. All the wrong ones, that is. Why do they keep opening up their vests and pointing to their pits? Both of them? That's not where their hearts are, unless I seriously need to brush up on my knowledge of the human body.

I really hate extraneous choreography, but whatever. More laughs for me! It's good for laughing muscles.

Other random things:
- KIM JOON!!!!!!!!
- Are jodhpurs in now? I need something to hide my big ol' thighs. Or is it only for the dudes? Perfect!
- I think it's the dance version (hence the dancing). I like the ballad version better... which is basically the same song but slower.
- PRINCE SONG!!!!!
- Oh yeah, will Kim Joon ever sing again in a T-Max song again? I love his voice; it's like molasses.

TO THE TIME MACHINE-AH!!

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 19:56:40 GMT

You will be the Falcon... and I will remain... THE FALCONER!

Haha this is probably the best Falconer skit ever:

Love Will Forte! But why does Hulu/NBC cut off the beginning and ends of some of the clips? Sadface:((((((((((

Move along

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 00:28:33 GMT

For the first time in a long time, I think my right eyebrow looks better than my left, because it looks thicker, which means my right eyebrow grows faster than my left. (I'm trying to grow out my eyebrows.)

Body, why haven't you heard of equality?
My left foot is bigger than my right.
My left eyelid is more prominent than my right.
The facial muscles of my right are more powerful than my left.
And more body parts I'm not gonna mention!